If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales.

We are in a posh, uh ... the posh studio in BBC London, Broadcasting House, myself and Little Lloyd __, whose, um, whose backside I saw this morning. We'll ... we'll get on to that in a little while. / Really? / Yeah. I don't know if you noticed, but you were wandering around the flat this morning, taking great care to cover up your front end. You seem ... you seemed to have forgotten that you had two sides, a front and a back. And, uh, I saw a little BTM disappearing into your bedroom. We'll have more of this later in the show. / OK. / We'll keep it clean, obviously. It's a family show. Um ... We've certainly an issue that I wanted to bring up with you and deal ... deal with in full on the radio show today. / Maybe we should have this conversation off-air. / Maybe we should. That ... that applies to most of our conversations. That applies most of of this radio show, to be honest. Maybe we should be off-air. Right? There are lots of people who would back me up on that.

Um ... and we've got stuff. We've got newspapers and stuff in front of us / some / have a chat, we / a little catch-up / yeah / we can find out what you've been up to / Yeah. I've been up to / listeners have been up to / yeah. I haven't done this show for ages. / Huh, OK. That's interesting. / a lot to, uh, / we have got a lot to catch up. Have you got any news? / I've got a beard. / You have got a beard? / It's not a great radio / It's not a great radio. No. ... Is that __ November? Or / when did you change your look, Lloyd? / I was bored after Edinburgh / thought / said "I was born" / don't start / mate. ... Let's just keep it recent / keep it recent changes / whole life history / 1999 / you / No. 1993 / you couldn't grow a beard at all / you don't / that's the thing / it's quite good beard you've got, though. / Thank you. / Ginger / choice / I didn't pick the color.

Uh, have you got a beard?" feature / can I just tell you, that ... if you are ringing up about / beard feature / leave / a little bit / phones at the moment / phones honestly are ringing / look at / more stuff arriving here / Rhod, I've got a beard. uh ... / because I'm lazy / bothered shaving / interesting stuff / the wife hates it. But tough." says / that's the spirit, Jamey, eh? I would / ignore everything she says / on me / hello, Rhod. / in case / missed / page / hello Rhod / just in case / about / beard / hang on a minute / maybe / we should / beard / __ __ today / decided / write to the show today / we want proof that you've got beard / read / you / gonna say / I'm not gonna be sexist about this. Any ... anyone with a beard / got / someone else. Just / un-bearded / talk amongst yourselves. Uh ... "Hello, Rhod. Just in case you missed it on page 23 of this week's __ Star ... / level with you / missed it / you have feature / celebrity 20 questions feature / that / you are invited to dinner by the featured celeb / none other than local exocist__ Irene __. ... Question 12 goes like this: Three people, dead or alive, / invite to dinner / pick live ones / much better company / much better company. ... Mind you / get away with / less / three dead people / gets a little bit dull / they were interviewing somebody / exocist / apparently / Irene __ / she said she / to dinner / the D__ L__ for his wisdom, Rhod Gilbert because he's a local boy for entertainment / George C__ for something good to look at. / dispersion / D__ / not sure / say there, but we all / she likes Welsh cakes / would like to be dolphine in another life. ... They / rubbish / news / I enjoy the C__ News. Um ... beard feature. "Dear Rhod and Lloyd / much better feature / doubted me. You were sceptical / launched it as a feature / I can see it all over your face / in between the beard / "Dear Rhod and Lloyd. I have a Lincoln beard." What's that? / Uh, it's, um ... / Abraham Lincoln? / Yeah. Off the chin / part as well / is that an official name / is / just / first person / certainly names for m__s / I don't know / yeah / handle-bar / Hu M__ / Hu M__, yeah. What else? / Uh ... there's / I think / yeah. those / So, what beards are there, then? A Lincoln ... / Uh, Lincoln, uh, Father Christmas, / ZZ Top, / pointy / just __ old people / innit? / Yeah. ... Goaty, that's a beard, isn't it? / Goaty / face that / "Dear Rhod and Lloyd, I have a Lincoln beard / I / last ten years / pretend / with only the occasional shaving mistake ... I heard Lloyd on some other BBC comedy podcast recently / for his first time, but he needs to talk more. ... All the best", Dave in Germany / say / what's your, uh, / talk as much as you like / you / next minute / I don't know what podcast he / talking about, but, uh ... / Nor do I. / I guess it's down to the editing, really, Dave. I mean, they might have cut / stuff that I said / 58 seconds to go, I think / are you just throwing / give listeners what they want / need / talking / generally / OK. / He's very quiet / flat, Dave, as well / Sometimes / response / Lloyd?" ... Silence. Like a graveyard / Silence. Nothing. / I've known you for ten years. You know I don't like tea. / absolutely true. You don't have tea or coffee. Is that why ... is that why / coffee / you don't like / sort of, __ed __ out, to be honest / actually / might / live in the same flat, becaue, when / rounge this morning / you were hogging / really needed to go to the toilet / bathroom / shower / stop / drying yourself, __ __ __ ... / With a sand paper? / whatever / abrasion of your beard ... and towel, and then / turned around, I saw you, / naked in the hall, holding / towel / clearly / you neglected to / come on, it was ... / you were naked in the flat / flatmate / it was the distance / admit / you'd forgotten / flat mates / distance between my bathroom ... sorry, the bathroom and my bedroom / that's the way you see it, isn't it? / exactly / see / distance / couple of foot / enough for me to / a cheeky glimps of my bottom? / it was ... uh, yes. / it'll do much better for you / morning coffee / I think you should ... I think you should ... you know, you should ... / Yeah, I should ... / you should remember that / more considerate / wrapped / around you / apology, sort of, accepted.

quiet / beard feature, Lloyd / maybe we were too prescriptive. We ruled out / today / need to relax / relax the law on beards / what / open up / second half of your show / own show. You should, mate. / about / how / say, uh ... / or ... hairy nostrils / fair enough. Do you trim your nostril hair, Lloyd? / I don't, but I should / You've obviously been thinking about this / I've noticed / people / do / roll it back up? / Push it back in. / tuck it in / Really? / yeah / trim / down to my knees / I know I need ... now that I've got a beard / now / got / you can just blend it in / comb it / through / probably / you can't do that. / Why not? / It's just ... It's ... / unhygenic / unsustainable / tuck / back / how long could you __ __ __ for? / second feature / ladies and gentlemen / how / back up your nose / that's unsustainable, Lloyd / tumble dryer / all clogged up / that / have to get / to filter out / don't you? / treat myself to a, uh, one of them / electric, uh, shavers / get / for christmas / Huh, you could do / jot that down. I'm gonna / and / combination / christmas list yet / nose / trimmer / Lloyd, nose hair trimmer / OK. / That's it. That's my christmas list started. Here. What are you gonna get me? / maybe you should / think about your girlfriend / close family / what you can get me for christmas? / Don't say gift for your girlfriend. / No. / jot this down. / OK. / A nose hair trimmer / getting me / I know / as well. Maybe / deal on two of them. / You could borrow mine if you want, mate. / you can borrow mine. You get me one, / first / if I've used it, it'll have, uh ... / on it / that's true / you borrow mine / doesn't work / smell / your nose / My nose doesn't smell. ... Is it possible to smell your own nose? ... or / vampire can smell / #1 / jot these features down, Lloyd.0 #2, uh, #2 ... / for ages / how / nasal / #3: Can a vampire smell its own nose? Woooo ... It's a bit scary, that feature, / yeah, / for / family / audience / maybe / should scratch that / feature

E__ James, ... look / just waved through the window / on the webcam / window / production / through there, stroking his chin, which, I notice, is beardless / warned of that / he does look a bit like B__ W__ / yeah / win / sports personality / hey, listen, I know, I know ... / my brain / always / starts / all over the place without any direction, __ James / we need to address / some / issues / why / quietly without his beard. ... I've got / about sports personality / the reason / come / you said / James / I said B__ __'s gonna win sports personality 'cause / one of the, uh, eight nominations / thank you, Lloyd / remember / a great letter / find / about B__ W__. Where is it? Is that it? Is that it? Is that it? ... there is a wonderful / what a dreadful end of this bit! / don't laugh / see what you do. / rubbish / you come up with / know / start you wanted / hang on a minute / wonderful / let me find it. Uh ... / is it more likely or less likely / sports personality of the year / Shut up, Lloyd, I've found it. / 'Cause I would argue / He was __ __ed. He was knocked off / Yeah / by / very apologetic for knocking / top-class cyclist / I noticed / Olympics / a lot of those top-class cyclist, they don't use / handle / __ James / should welcome / to the show / round applause / Steve /

"Rhod, have you ever pulled out / nose hair / of course / outside or the inside / to the listener / outside of your nose / when I / is / gonna / is it / normal hair? / No. / because it's not / in the morning ... in the morning, it won't be there / comes out every now and then / it's like a / then / by lunch time / long, ... and / every / six years / get up / exactly / must / occasions I / my face is, you know, hairless / by lunchtime / totally / I don't think / can grow in an hour / Rhod / abide by any of the rules / express / would have been better / have you ever pulled / nose? / it really hurts / tell you what / show, innit? / makes your eyes water / think / nose hair / sort of connected to your tear duct / that's / medical school / connected to / emotion / parts of your brain / have you / pulled / established that / right / not only / inside / outside as well / only / or so / twice a decade / commet / mention / beard tapestry / it's no DFS sale, just / __ __ __ __ __ hurry, hurry, hurry. / ... Have you ever pulled / says Ritchie / same / you've just mentioned / email / two things / expect / new. / how longer / than expected / I've never / exactly / big issues today, but ... / never / your nose / from the inside / what, uh ... / Pardon? / do you not / nose / inside / none that I notice, No. / really / hair / normal places / yeah / know / I mean / one or two / in my ears / right / nothing / No. I mean ... / like to / verified. / Really? You want me to look up his nose now? / because / nasal hair / have / anyone / see anything up there / thank you / God. / 32 two weeks ago as well / just in case / child / I'm not / I'm / fully-grown / top / hairless / my eyebrows / be / sorted out / hairdresser / last time / haircut / what / did she say / she said / please let me sort / involved / when he came out / she got a comb / and she took probably / two-thirds / now / trimmed your eyebrows down / imagine / like / yeah, exactly / ironically / ironically / like a billiardboard__ / Lloyd / you / nasal hair coming out of your nose / nosal / christmas / separate ones in the house. We'll have to make sure / we / in the bathroom / mixed up / maybe we / different colors / Yeah, OK. / blue / pink one / All right. / I think this is ... / two things / two things / always longer than expected / back / eye water / your point, Lloyd / "Hi, both. The more / the more comes out / never ending circle / Stephen / S__ D__. Discuss. / I think / I mean, what about the brain? / nice idea, though / circle / childlike way / circle of / through / circle of hair / ears

Look at this / sent through / non-beard stuff / honest / welcome relief / 3 quarters / I know / one single interesting snippet of information / "Dear Rhod and Lloyd / I'm a chemist / All right / Uh ... what are you doing, __? / make c__ noises / sorry, I'm on / anti-biotics / embarrassing / bearing in mind that / 24th / Wales / broadcastable / reached the next level / I've got the athlete's body / no, no, / I mean / foot / fungal infection / antibiotics / please say / on my foot / really / do you know what happened? / jumped / Oh, really? Oh. / like / my left foot / looks / right foot / moment / Well, look out / me / my foot story / You do the music, Lloyd. I do my / story / do you know / next / switched off / listen up. This is what happened. I got / infection / on my left foot / fungal infection / antibiotics / weeks ago / improved? Mine / improved considerably / almost fine. / Right. / guess / right / fungal infection / literally jumped across / two of the sexiest men in / No. 14 and No.24 / what / foot infection / still / sexiest ... to 30 sexiest ... sexiest men in the country, yeah. I / gigs / r__ down / I came off stage, and ... / I never / got / gasps of astonishment / what did? / you took / socks / off / on stage / did / thankfully, no, no / girlfriend / never seen / like that before / I know it's bad / yeah

I thought / show __ James my ... / left foot infection / but basically it is ... it's about the size / it's about / an inch long / possiblly / wide / like / you know / just / about / under the nail / sort / what size is it / put / together / I showed / James / infection / then A__ James took off his sock, and ... Lloyd __, over to you / see / your foot is / speechless / left speechless / I've never ... very / took / what is left / your foot / entire foot / talking about from / end / right up to the ankle / thought / one leg / looks like a scaly pigeon / Medieval vibe / performance / like / West Side Story / started off / look at this

if you enjoyed / why don't you listen to the whole show / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.